I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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