my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
did i just pee glitter
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
