I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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