Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
