It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
