Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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