Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
