And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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