i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
