who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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