When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
