Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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