Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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