i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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