I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
accomplished twins. life is a go
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
