i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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