I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
