..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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