So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
