My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
