I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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