Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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