I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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