So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
