Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you made out with another girl for some wings
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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