I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
