you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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