The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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