I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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