I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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