dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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