on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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