If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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