Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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