She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize