I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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