he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
