dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
