i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
