now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize