Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
