I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
