omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
