She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
