dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
