My underwear smells like fireworks.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize