it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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