You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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