he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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