Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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