I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
