His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
