you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
