I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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