I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
