did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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