yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
