well I can't set my house on fire every night
People in love make me want to vomit
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
