Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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