I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
