well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
