oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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