i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
