it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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